Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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