I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
