I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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