he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
