Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
