I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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