Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
