Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
