I faked an abortion last night.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
