It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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