yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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