Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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