What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
