She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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