Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
