My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
