Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
