FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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