tequila makes me forget i have legs
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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