he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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