I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
