You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
