At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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