I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize