You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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