Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
