as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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