We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
