I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
