I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
