the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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