I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Randomize
