It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
