Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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