Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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