I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Drake has all the answers
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize