Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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