umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize