I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
