Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
