my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
