everyone is single if you try hard enough
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
