I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
