Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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