I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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