Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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