Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Terrible idea I love it
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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