just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
