i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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