UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
