I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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