Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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