but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
dude. I can hear the air.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize