I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Dick very happy bro
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
