So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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