She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
