she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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