why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
