My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
