Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
